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I'd wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.

I'd wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.

I'm not interested in caring about people.

I'm not interested in caring about people.

Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.

People are idiots, Leslie.

People are idiots, Leslie.

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.

On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.

It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.

I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.

I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.

You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’

You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’

It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.

It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.

There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.

There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.

One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.

One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.

I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.

When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.

If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.

If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.

Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.

Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?

I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.

Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.

Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.